Trusting In Him

by: Paola Ramos

I’m in the ICU, and alarms are ringing, there is beeping coming from all the monitors, I’m surrounded by unfamiliar faces, in an unfamiliar environment. There are four doctors, a physician’s assistant, two pharmacists, two respiratory therapists, and three nurses, standing in a half circle in front of me. They are all waiting for me, staring at me, or so it feels, and my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.

 

I decided to become a nurse because I love helping others. There aren’t any nurses in my family, but I knew this is the journey God wanted me to be on. My nursing career has been so rewarding yet so stressful at the same time. I was working on the same unit, where I started before even becoming a nurse, for a total of six years, until I decided almost three months ago to move to the ICU.
 
I’ve thought about leaving for years, but I was comfortable in my unit. Once I received my bachelor’s degree, I knew God was pushing me now more than ever out of my comfort zone.I was so excited to start working in the ICU. I was so eager yet scared at the same time. The first couple weeks were great; I was learning new medications, new machines, and taking care of really sick patients. My preceptors, which are the nurses training me, understood that the ICU was all new to me.
 
Then, I started receiving more responsibilities and was expected to fully take on the care of the patients. Every day we have “rounds” with the ICU team as described earlier. It is a very intimidating time, and I never wanted to say or do the wrong thing. I would get stuck and be afraid to say something so I wouldn’t, and I let my preceptor do all the talking. 
 
My excitement for my new unit started dwindling down, and I was dragging myself to get up in the morning to go to work. There was no more motivation.
 
A couple of weeks ago I was reading my devotion, and it spoke about trying to measure up and prove myself and living in fear. It was exactly how I was feeling at work. I was trying to prove that I belonged in the ICU. I felt like I had to show that I was good enough to be there, that I was a good nurse. Then I realized I was looking at my situation the wrong way. God knows my heart. He knows me inside and out. I was relying on myself and not on the Holy Spirit to get me through my days. That’s why I felt no motivation, why I was dragging myself out of bed every morning. I was fighting with the Holy Spirit and didn’t even realize it.
 

I was relying on myself and not on the Holy Spirit to get me through my days.

 
God has given me all that I will ever need. I belong to Him, and He is my authority. He is the one that I answer to. It doesn’t matter what others think of me, whether I say something wrong or make a mistake, as long as I am doing God’s work. As I do my devotion in the mornings, I pray that I can overcome my fears and doubts and allow the Spirit to shine through me. I need to stop fighting my own desires and fears and allow God to use me.
 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6